Suicide and Other Ideas

In this edition of 'Laura Does A Disorder', we're going to revisit that little Depression Problem I was diagnosed with last year or whenever that was.

I did so little about it that it is actually LAUGHABLE and the fact that I am even surprised that it has come to this is astonishing.

In hindsight, we probably could have avoided quite a lot of this trauma.

But I'm on the verge of killing myself.

Don't panic.

 

Hold Everything, Gil Elvgren

I know you're still panicking.

Basically, without wanting to upset anyone, there's been a huge amount of "WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF ME?" and "I RUIN EVERYTHING. YOU'D ALL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME."

You know.

That kind of thing. For months. And bleeding months.

You've probably seen it all over twitter and assumed I was just having a couple of off days. An easy mistake to make. I certainly made it. As did my mother. And everyone else.

Unfortunately - and I say this because I feel as though we are at risk of being entirely blasé about this - it currently takes a remarkable amount of willpower to stop myself walking into traffic.

I've not only had passing thoughts of wanting to not exist anymore, but am also plagued by the long lingering ones that prod you until you ask, "Would jumping off a bridge that low actually work?"

Everything seems MASSIVE and out of my control and, most painfully, absolutely never-ending.

Suicide, effectively, often occurs to me as the most logical way out of my own personal hell.

Like I said, everything seems massive.

Everything seems like the end of the world.

But it's probably not.

x

(Note: My most recent diagnosis was, specifically, 'major depressive disorder, social anxiety, bulimia, OCD and dermatillomania'. I've been prescribed a thing called Sertraline. It makes me sick and I haven't eaten properly in over a week, BUT I AM ASSURED THAT THIS IS WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. Thank you for reading and DO TRY not to worry. This was meant entirely to inform and appease.)

How Not To Win An Argument

Those of you who have been charmed by my optimism and good-natured nonchalance will probably be shocked to learn that I am in arguments more often than I am in regular conversations.

I don't enjoy them, nor do I seek them out, I just stumble into them.

Other people do not believe this to be the case.

REGARDLESS, we will all now benefit from the sheer breadth of my expertise in this area as I share with you how not to win an argument.

Or, actually, how to avoid a break-up as a result of a stupid argument. Or maybe how to have an argument while causing the least damage.

Whatever.

Basically, this is all the stuff you should avoid saying if you want to maintain a) your dignity and/or b) your relationship.

 

Lucky Chaps, Gil Elvgren

When you're fighting with someone - whether that's a boyfriend, a girlfriend or the irritating young man you happen to be sleeping with - and you're in a 'win or die' sort of situation, there are things you will be tempted to say.

Well, don't.

Don't say them.

By 'them', I mean the following things.

1. I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.

This didn't even work when Harry said it to Voldemort, and that is for one very specific reason: IT IS NEVER TRUE. You don't feel sorry for them. You hate them and want to set them on fire. Pretence of any kind is POINTLESS and you are wasting everyone's time.

2. I WISH YOU WERE DEAD.

Yes. But unless you're a thirteen year old arguing with your mother about your restrictive bedtime, this is a, frankly, embarrassing thing to say. If you really must wish that people were dead, do it privately. Other derivatives of this include "Just kill yourself." As these phrases can occasionally hit a nerve and leave you having to justify them in every future argument until you both actually ARE dead, best to avoid.

3. I WISH I WAS DEAD.

We've talked about suicidal threats before. And you don't wish you were dead, you hope that the other person does not wish you were dead. Do you see? Again, pointless. And, unless you are holding a knife to your own neck, childish.
(Note: Do not hold a knife to your own neck. Or to theirs, with reference to point 2.)

4. I'M NOT MAD.

Alright then. So why are we locked in this HELL? If you're so NOT mad, then make us a drink and we'll go and have some sex. No? OH, SO YOU ARE MAD?

5. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW.

Unless there are body parts falling from your person as you argue, yes you can. You just don't want to.

6. THIS WAS/YOU WERE A BIG MISTAKE.

On a serious note, this is one of those phrases that sort of hangs in the air when you've said it. If you do make up, this will come back to haunt you. If you don't, this will make the guilt all the worse when you've calmed down.

7. YOU'RE NOTHING COMPARED TO...

Do I need to explain this? Don't bring up ex-partners, don't bring up sexual prowess. You'll either have to leave it with them forever if you break up or try and convince them otherwise for THE REST OF TIME if you don't. 

8. YOU'RE JUST LIKE...

As above. If you've spent months bitching about your ex to the poor sap you're now inflicting yourself upon, don't throw this at them. The implication is 'I hate you as much as I hate them', which brings us nicely to...

9. I HATE YOU.

On one level, this is quite pathetic. It's a bit like Point 2, however, in that - if you're really going for someone and this gets spat out -  it's quite hard to recover from. Again, it hangs in the air if it's said with any conviction.

10. LEAVE ME ALONE.

That's not what you want, is it? You don't want them to leave you alone, you just want them to stop disagreeing with you or criticising you or whatever it is that they're doing. That annoying thing that people say about not sleeping on an argument actually has some backbone - it's much easier to deal with stuff when it's happening rather than having to rake it all up again.

So, yeah. Avoid all that.

Good luck to you.

x

You Haven't Changed

I was supposed to see Idiot this weekend.

For the first time in three years.

It didn't happen.

A Turn For The Better, Gil Elvgren

When he got in touch in November, I was reluctant to speak to him. But, like I've said before, one of my biggest problems with our break-up was that I had no way of knowing how he was doing. He deleted me from his life and I deleted him from mine. He didn't even have facebook, for crying out loud, thanks to the dangers involved in leading a double life. So, presented with the opportunity to ascertain that he hadn't died of something horrible, I let him back in.

He told lie upon lie during the two years we spent together. He lied about his family, his friends, his ex-girlfriend, the fact that she wasn’t actually an ex and – OH YES – his child. He even lied about his name, but that is probably a blog post all of its own.

Hindsight is all well and good, BUT I WAS IN LOVE.

After AGES of being back in touch, we arranged a date for the weekend just gone. I'd been reluctant to agree to it previously, due to an overwhelming fear that I'd do something stupid like fall back in love with him or marry him or something, but as I'm busy being all unrequited in the direction of someone else*, I thought now was as good a time as any.

But he, it turned out, couldn't make it.

Before we go into specifics, I feel that I should point out that this ridiculous failure boils down to the fact that, while I have grown and matured as a human being – and also, in some ways, regressed – he has stayed exactly the same as he always was.

The lying, which we have covered, was never exclusive to the big stuff. While I know that things wouldn’t have been better if it was, it's somehow more annoying when people lie about things that DON'T MATTER. (And also when they pretend that 'omitting information' is not the same as lying. Again, another blog post.)

Like with this date.

The day and time he'd suggested two weeks in advance just happened to coincide with a work thing that he had to do. Had he been a well-adjusted human being, he would have let me know and we could have rearranged.

But that would have been too easy.

He chose, instead, to act as though the date was to go ahead, despite knowing full well that it wasn't. Even on the day. Only when I said...

I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME

WE'RE MEETING THIS AFTERNOON :)

... did he admit that, actually, he was in PLYMOUTH and would be there for some time.

That's quite weird, isn't it? As a thing to lie about.

Here is an actual quote from a text he sent at lunchtime on the day we were supposed to meet:

BEEN TOO SCARED TO TEXT YOU AND TELL

YOU I MIGHT BE LATE/MIGHT NOT MAKE IT.

BOLLOCKS. LATE?! YOU'RE SIX HOURS AWAY. YOU'RE NOT ARRIVING LATE, YOU'RE ARRIVING TOMORROW.

Don't feel as though you have to point out how minor this is as an issue. I am well aware that I could be seen to have overreacted slightly when I subsequently told him to leave me alone.

But as far as I'm concerned, he had his chance to be an actual person and build a bridge and he pulled the same crap he always did. That he can't even be honest and straightforward about something as basic as this is simply testament to the fact that I have dodged a bullet.

x

(*In the end, I went to see Blue instead. You remember him. I've said several times that I’ll never ever see him again, and yet here we are. Whatever. We all have our vices. He's quite a good one.)

Doing Romance

Happy Valentine's Day.

I suppose you’re wondering how such a vibrant and attractive woman is able to find the time to write a blog post on this of all days.

WELL, let me tell you, I have been asking myself that very question.

Some of you may be aware that I am actually involved with someone. In the loosest possible sense. More than one person, arguably. So, I suppose I could have spent Valentine's Day with SOMEONE if I had wanted to. Probably.

That said, why would I want to break the tradition of a lifetime and actually spend Valentine’s Day with a boy? Because, at the grand old age of twenty-five, it is now almost amusing that this occasion passes me by so reliably every single year.

Have A Heart, Gil Elvgren

Like I've said before, I don't hate Valentine's Day. I actually think the whole thing is rather sweet. My problem, really, is with all the other days.

It's a bit like when, at Christmas, people go on and on about how we should be spending more time with families and having a bit of Christmas Spirit all year round. APPLY THIS TO TODAY. Do you really need a specifically sanctioned date to do a romantic thing? No, of course you don’t.

People get romance wrong anyway. They think it's all about flowers and declarations. No.

I, for example, was once bowled over by a a trip to Red Hot Buffet in Manchester.

I suppose what I am trying to say that romance is not about grand gestures. It's about little things that make your tummy flutter when you think about them and about making your feelings known. If flowers and chocolates are how you choose to express yourself or how you would like your significant other to express themselves, then that's fine. But it should not be reserved for one tiny grey day in February.

As my little gift to you, I will now treat you to the Top Seven Most Romantic Moments Of My Life That Do Not Involve Valentine’s-Specific Activities. Not a flower in sight, I promise.

(To avoid upsetting any current girlfriends of the boys I mention - because apparently that happens a lot now - I'm not going to tell you who was responsible for any of the following. But, rest assured that you have read about them all previously.)

7. The time someone hijacked a third-floor flat on campus that was directly opposite my Psychology lecture theatre. Then, on the front-facing windows, wrote “I Love You” in pink post-its. Before killing the whole moment by attacking me with actual eggs.

6. The time someone drove for two hours to buy me some biscuits.

5. The time a boy downloaded, and listened to, Taylor Swift’s entire back-catalogue because I decided it was a relationship requirement.

4. The time I was surprised with an overnight trip to a hotel that had been my favourite as a child. Nothing says ‘love’ like the world’s best breakfast.

3. The time I was kissed in a train station by a boy I had been fighting with for three months. A moment which was sadly ruined by my ridiculous purple hair. The kiss itself was outstanding, and the evening that followed was, essentially, the only enjoyable time we have ever spent together.

2. The time a boy wrote a Christmas song for me after we broke up. Not to get us back together, but merely to express an ongoing affection that would not be ruined by our traumatic separation. Or so he said.

1. The time someone wore a Spider-Man outfit to a party that was not specified as 'fancy dress' because, on the previous evening, I had complained that I was never going to get THAT KISS.

All dead nice, innit?

Basically, DO MORE ROMANCE, ALL THE TIME.

But, also, I hope you enjoyed Valentine’s Day. Even if you were by yourself watching Crimewatch like some of us.

x

(Note: When I compiled these - which took no time at all, because those things were all pretty memorable - it became glaringly obvious that I am remarkably easy to please, romance-wise. I know. It came as a shock to me too.)

Douchebag Revisited

Douchebag?

"Is it something to do with when two men have sex or do stuff...?

"No, and that's wrong. Why are you thinking about that? It says in the bible.."

"No, No! I didn't mean that I would do it or anything..."

"Good."

You may remember the conversation quoted above from a post I wrote in early November. That's if you got to it before I was harangued into deleting it, of course.

I had been witness to out-and-out homophobia. Oddly, not something I come across very often. Usually, it's all a bit vague and "did they mean that, or am I overreacting?"

This time though... I mean, they are direct quotes. There's no mistaking that, is there?

Vote!, Gil Elvgren

The person responsible was, and remains, homophobic. If that wasn't enough, statements since then have demonstrated it just as well. Dress it up however you like, and with whatever RIDICULOUS context you want to put it in. I stand by what I have said.

But that's fine. The person who said those things - and who has never ever been mentioned by name, by the way - is nothing to do with me, and anyone who wants to be around someone like that isn't anything to do with me either.

That post - long since gone from the internet, for the sake of an easy life - caused a bit of a ruckus. People who shouldn't have been offended were, and the person who was actually at fault got off scot-free (because apparently bigots are fine as long as they're promising an easy lay).

Sigh.

Anyway, at one point or another, I was convinced - by a boy, who has since proven himself to be less than I thought he was - that I might have been mistaken. That I might, with all the best intentions, have come down too harshly on something that was said in jest or was perhaps poorly phrased.

I was criticised for calling the vile homophobe a VILE HOMOPHOBE. And I almost apologised.

Even after said homophobe spent the following two months sending messages telling me that I was fat, that I was worthless, that I was hideous - EVEN THEN - they were protected when I wasn't.

More than protected. They were DEFENDED.

And I'm not okay with it.

At the very least, I'm due an apology from someone.

Not that I'll ever get it.

BUT TODAY THAT DOESN'T MATTER QUITE SO MUCH.

More than enough has been said today by wonderful, accepting, supportive people that makes up for all that.

That makes up for the fact that I had to hear something so awful in the first place. That makes up for the fact that I was made to delete a factual account of what happened. That makes up for the fact that I was let down so terribly by someone that I was supposed to mean something to. That makes up for the fact that, even as recently as this weekend, I was laughed at for bothering to be so passionate about something as STUPID as equality...

Because today my heart has been thoroughly warmed by the solidarity I witnessed - not least of all on twitter - as we moved a little bit closer to equality. Well done to all concerned. And happy wedding planning.

x